I Am @sslluvbooks & I Will Not Be Embarrassed ~ Pressure, Peers, Respect & Distractions.... The Plight of a 21st Century Teenage Blogger: Discussion in GIFs (6)

*I went into this discussion thinking it was going to be short.... for ONCE. No such luck as my tangents went on tangents*

Ze Backstory: Today, I was driving home from school, and my friend's mom (the driver) told me that she had seen my YouTube video {Introduction ~ Reading, Writing, Overall Craziness and Quirks}. Instantaneously, I was embarrassed. All she said was that she had seen it. She hadn't even taken a breath to tell me what she thought, and my mind AUTOMATICALLY jumped to the conclusion that she would judge me. This is my friend's 40-something year old mom, I expected her to say something like, "Oh that's nice Sofia." or some lame remark like that. One of those things adults say when they want to compliment on effort, not quality, and they don't really mean it. In short, she thought it was a great video (she might be biased) and loved the informal-ness I portrayed throughout it.

Yet.... in the back of my mind, from 3 o'clock on, for the past FOUR hours (it's 7 now), my reaction has been on my mind. And that's why I'm writing this discussion.

WHY?

Why am I so afraid of being judged?

WHY am I terrified of showing people (peers, parents, teachers) my blog/YouTube channel?

Moreover, WHY do I even care?

I don't let negative comments about other topics in my life get in my way. I am a self-confident person that doesn't need recognition or reassurance that I'm good at something. (My ego is way to big for that).

Take This Into Consideration: Why am I so petrified to share my work with people in real life, yet I'm perfectly fine with putting myself out there online?

Online, there are haters, there are negative people. Not everyone is going to like what you create, it's a given for life in general. If anything, I should be more willing to show my friends. They know me, and some embarrassing YouTube video or opinionated blog post doesn't define who I am. They already have their own perceptions of me (good OR bad).

In fact, I shouldn't feel bad. I should take pride in the art I'm creating. (I use the term "art" loosely, I originally had a "Make Good Art Analysis" planned for today's blog post, which is coming SOON) IF I don't feel comfortable with people I know seeing what I say, then why on earth am I saying it on the internet?

Today's incident in the car was NOT the first of its kind: One of my friends is subscribed to me EMAIL feed. A ton of others are following my on Instagram. I've been asked about blogging, and now vlogging. I've been asked why I do it. I've been asked why I'm so obsessed with books.

My sister keeps urging me to create a private Instagram and my friends have urged me to make a private twitter. Yet, there's a reason I'm a book blogger/vlogger/Instagrammer/Tweeter. I am not about to go around posting perfectly edited and filtered selfies. 

I bring this up because whenever people ask me (as a common courtesy of the 21st century teenager) what my Instagram username is.... I shy away from their questions and try (and fail) to steer the conversation away. It's not that I don't want to share this wonderful, amazing part of my life with the people I know IN real life. I'm just embarrassed about being judged for posting nothing but books. I'm a book blogger/vlogger. I'm not going to go around Instagramming EVERYTHING I see. People would unfollow because of the sporadic irrelevant of my post subjects. 

Are you distracted yet? 

ANYONE can easily look up @sslluvsbooks on Instagram.Twitter and follow me: They can see my feed without having to follow or subscribe. In fact, I would rather them quote unquote "stalk" me by doing so because at least then I wouldn't feel self-conscious.

There are two people following me that I feel especially self conscious about. 

Reason: I like them (interpret that as you will). I'll admit it. I'm a teenage girl. 

I'm not the most experienced or skilled at communicating with the male race.

With people you someone, the stakes are higher. You feel pressure that wasn't there before.

Anyone can make a statement about you online.... but do you give a crap? No. Because you don't care what they think. You don't know who they are. They don't know who you are.

RESPECT: Yet.... when it's your friend, teacher, or adult, you care about what they think of you. Their opinion of you may be higher because of it. They may have a newfound respect for you. They also might judge you. Although I don't know how that could happen because I start talking to people about books the MOMENT I meet them. Some people ask how your weekend was as a conversation starter. The introvert I am asks if they have read anything good lately. 

NO ONE knows who I am online.

In no way am I trying to say that I am fake or not staying true to myself. On the contrary, I'm able to be even MORE myself on the internet. I share my opinions openly, I am EXTROVERTED on the internet. I can be as sarcastic, as thoughtful, as empathetic, as humorous as I want. I have created the identity I want for myself IRL (in real life) online. 

[Cue the adult commentary on why cyber bullying happens]

Obviously, with my leap to BookTube, I am putting myself even more out there. You get to see my gorgeous face now *flips hair* There will be a point where my internet life and real one collide. Yet, for the past 10 months that I have been blogging. I have created "Sofia Li." I have created @sslluvsbooks. Even though I'm not crazy popular (faaar from that), I have created somewhat of a name for myself. You know, for all 200-ish followers. 

There is my internet self and name I have created.

Then there's the in-person self and name I have created. 

Book blogging and now vlogging have become SUCH big parts of who I am now. Instead of wasting time on YouTube or Netflix, I'm creating something, an impression on the internet that will ALWAYS be here. I may not be famous, but nothing ever goes away online. In a way, I'm making a legacy for myself. Of course I have interests outside of books - you're looking at the two-year champion in her age division for the annual Fiesta Days 10k in my area. Yet, my life, my personality, and everything about me has changed. I am, in NO way the girl I was last December when Loving the Language of Literacy was born. (Of course, personal events have changed me as well, but that's not the point) My time-management skills have been sharpened, my organizational skills have improved, my priorities in life have changed. 

What I'm trying to say is....

I am in no way ashamed of what I create and shouldn't ever be. Yet, when it comes to letting people - that I know IRL- in, I get a little self-conscious. This goes beyond wanting to show my blog or YouTube channel to people. This is on the level of showing -people I may say "Hi" to in passing in the school hallways- people who I am.

What is your opinion on the matter?

Do you get self-conscious or embarrassed whenever people from "real life" (if you know any of those kinds of people) find your blog/YouTube channel?

Do you not give it a second thought and think, "More page views for me!"?

Online, are you like you wish you were in real life?

Do you have the exact same personality online as you do in real life?

Does being online give you confidence you don't have in real life?

{Discussion in GIFs} The Reading Cycle ~ DNFs & Re-Reads

Today, I will be discussing two completely opposite sides of the reading spectrum/journey - the beginning and the end. I have problems with both, I kind of think that I should be thrown into the reading asylum (forgive me, I just read The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer and am into asylums/ hallucinations) because of how BIG of an issue both re-reading and DNF-ing is for myself. 

Re-Reading: A lot of my thoughts from "I Hate Big Books and I Cannot Lie" apply to this as well. 

I. Don't. Have. Time. 

Let me walk you through it, I have a multitude of books I want to read. Reading ALL of the things is literally my life goal (scientifically, this is impossible, as my TBR will increase in size in death). If I were to die tomorrow I want the words "Here lies the bookworm.... whose TBR keeps growing, even in death." on my gravestone.

  

There are dozens of well-loved books and series that I would LOVE to re-read.

When I have sooo many series that I want to read.... let ALONE finish, I don't know how I can take the time out of my reading schedule to re-read something. 

With my book reviews, I have a section titled, "Re-Readability," and I am seriously considering taking this out because it feels SOOO monotonous, repeating the SAME thing EVERY time about how I don't re-read books. I plan to continue blogging for the foreseeable future, and I know that as I increase blogging, I will gain more opportunities (such as review books/author events) which will only INCREASE my TBR and the books I want to read. This is the one con because I put pressure on myself to read other books and don't give myself the space and/or time to re-read a book, guilt-free. 

Now, when I'm writing this discussion post, and actually pondering my negative feelings towards re-reading. I have to admit to myself and to you, as my blog readers, that my so-called "reasoning" for not re-reading books is lame and goes against my morals as a person, letting the pressure of review books and even my own books on my personal TBR prevent me from diving back into worlds and journeys that I know and love.

So, I'm going to get back to the re-reading topic in a blog post, probably in early 2015, and in that post, I would like to re-visit this blog post - a kind of part two persay- and have something different to say.

The Cons:

But.... But.... What about all of those other shiny new books awaiting my attention?

What if I don't like the book as much the second time around?

What if I catch something that I hadn't previously and that makes me dislike the book?

The Pros:

Ahhhh.... I'm back in this world with the characters and storyline that I know and love so well

*counters self* What if I like the book a thousand times more?

DNFing: We can now move past the deeper stuff and discuss something I have a HECK OF A LOT of things to say about. 

I will open this up by saying - I am allergic to DNFing, AFTER the 50th page.

When I say I am "allergic" to DNFing, I mean that I am too darned stubborn to DNF. Even when I HATE a book, I will usually push on because of the thinking, "I've already invested so much time in this, I should continue." I am well aware this is toxic for my reading enjoyment and like re-reading.

The first step to resolving a problem is acknowledging it.

Yet, out of every 10 books I read, there are TWENTY books that I have DNFed before the fiftieth page. There are so many books from the library, for review, and even on my bookshelf that I plan to get back to.... some day (you know, maybe in 15 years). *Sidenote: My aversion to re-reading is even worse when I DNFed a book once*

What factors make DNFing even more likely?

eBooks

My issues with eReaders/eBooks are an entirely different bookish subject met with a lot of controversy, but what I will say is that the pros for eReaders don't outweigh the cons. It feels like reading eBooks takes me 5x more time to read an eBook versus physical.... of the SAME book, I might add.

Even if I'm LOVING and have EAGERLY ANTICIPATED

a book, if I'm reading an eCopy, I have issues reading it. There is also the fact that I am in school when I get a good third of my reading for the day done, so it is yet another factor that plays into me taking forever to read eBooks. Because I read multiple books at one time (another bookish topic that deserves its own post), an eBook is yet another, less accessible book for me to avoid reading.

The Cons: 

What happens if I the book I just DNFed would have been the best book I have read this year, or even the best book I have ever read?  

What happens if everyone is raving about this book, do I gather up the courage to try again?

How may times is enough? How many chances do I give this twisted relationship with this book?

The Pros:

No more stress! No more pressure! Read the things I actually want to read. Good riddance to that piece of junk!

You've heard the Pros and the Cons of both sides of the reading circle. Now I would like to know; What's your verdict? 

Do you give a tremendous sigh of relief once you dive back into a book's well-loved pages and feel like you have finally returned home after a long journey in other inferior books?

Do you scoff at re-reading in general and think of it as a total waste of time?

Do you wish you re-read books more, but have the pressure of life that restricts your reading habits?

Are you indifferent to re-reading, you choose your books at a leisurely pace, never knowing what you're going to read next, and if you want to re-read a book.... you just do?

Do you have commitment issues when it comes to reading books and have absolutely no problem dropping one like a hot potato?

Do you hold on by a thin thin thread for as long as humanly possible before you can't take it any longer like a toxic relationship?

Do you wish you DNFed more/less because of how many opportunities you may have missed?

{Discussion in GIFs} I Hate Big Books and I Cannot Lie

Every time I sit down to compose a new discussion post, I feel like I write them on same or relevant topics and today's topic makes me want to rename this "Confessions in GIFs" because if you missed my last two discussion posts, I talk about confessing to the world that I'm a mood reader and my opinion on quality versus quantity. Anyway, today's topic is about something I have been thinking about for the past two months and is something that actually relates to my last two discussions.

This aint me!

Let's rewind a little bit to the BACKSTORY behind this.... (you should probably grab a cup of coffee or other beverage of choice, because Sofia backstories are always long) At the beginning of August, when I moved in with my friend's family [the long backstory can be found here] I made a promise to my now "little sister" [you really need to read the backstory on this] that I would read this book. 

You might have heard of it

Now it's almost the end of September, and I still haven't read it. Albeit, I didn't want to read it in the first place, but I really need to because I made a promise, and there's that whole, "sticking to your word" thing that humans on planet Earth value so much. Now this promise would have been a heck of a lot easier to fulfill if The Glass Sentence was a measly 250 page book. 

Instead, I pick up this "pleasant, Middle Grade adventure" novel, and....

It is 515 pages! Five Hundred and Fifteen I tell you!!!

Let's back this up to BEFORE I started blogging aka. "the dark ages" It would not have been a problem. I probably would have taken the book from my little sister Ally, spent 2-5 days reading it (no biggie), enjoyed it, and went on my merry reading way. Before I started blogging, I hadn't had TBRs. I never had to structure my TBR for the month based on all the kinds of books and sources I got them. I also read only one book at a time, and I felt fresh as a daisy if I had to DNF a book because I wasn't feeling it. 

Now there are SOOO many books I want to read and SOOO little time to read them!

These are the reasons why I don't read big books anymore....

1. The feeling of accomplishing.... nothing ~ When I was in 2nd grade, I thought reading a "big" book was the best thing in the world, and I was a pro at reading them. (I was in 2nd grade, a big book was 350 pages long) But I'm not in 2nd grade anymore. I am in the middle of what was predicted to be one of the most arduous school years I have ever had on personal and academic levels. I don't have the time I used to have to read. I spend every spare moment when I'm not doing homework, eating, sleeping, or blogging reading. 

How I am at night, when I actually have time to read

Here's the fact of the matter.... I'm lucky to read three average-size books in a school week (300-ish pages). Even though the page count is the same, I would rather read 3 average-sized books than one HUGE 900 page book. It's some psychological issue I have, but I feel so much more proud of myself to have read more individual books.

2. There are the books I NEED to read, The books I WANT to read, and Those "Other" books.... In no way is book reviewing my job (we went over this), but I signed up to read and review those books in a timely manner - whether they're Netgalley or physical ARCs, and I feel sooo bad when I can't stick to those deadlines especially the self-imposed ones. So after I read those blog tour/review books, I want to settle down with a guilt-free book, something that I don't have to review or take notes on. (Believe it or not, those are actually the books I am most excited/willing to review).

There's no way on heaven or earth that I want to read those "other" books that I don't need to or don't want to read
*coughs* Glass Sentence *coughs*

3. There is usually a reason why those books are so long.... I mean, it might just be because the author needed that many pages to tell such a complex story. Yet, when I'm in one of those moods where I want instant satisfaction and thrilling, fast-paced reads, I'm not going to sit through 500 pages of world-building and character development. There are those times when I want nothing but long-winded, intricate descriptions, and to get lost in a good, thick book, where I can get invested in the characters. But that isn't the mood I'm now which is why I don't want to read The Glass Sentence. It took me way longer than it should have to read Heir of Fire by Sarah J. Maas and that was a book I had desperately wanted and anticipated.

Now this isn't to say that I don't want to read chunksters or think they're horrible. I am not about to go around shaming big book lovers (you're looking at one of the biggest "everyone can read YA" advocates and won't hypocritically say that reading chunksters is bad), but the fact of the matter is that I'm not in right place in my reading habits/taste at the moment to fully endure, I mean, respect everything that big books have to offer. It's kind of like when a little kid wants to do something the "big kids" do, but they're too little (and are fully aware of that fact), yet attempt to anyway. I don't want to always be like this - I know I will have ulcers by the time I'm 25 if I continue putting this much pressure on myself - but for now.... I will stick with my word. 

I don't like big books and I cannot lie.

So what's your verdict?

Do you love nothing more than curling up with a chunkster and plowing through that sucker faster than  a hunger games tribute?

Are you indifferent to chunksters and don't put pressure on your reading habits/dictate what you're going to read by your blog schedule?

Do you wish you read more chunksters, but have suffered through the same plights as I have?

{Discussion in GIFs} Quality VS. Quantity

*Clears throat as crowd applauds wildly* 

Hello Ladies and Gentlemen, it is time that I compose the post that EVERY blogger, vlogger, or anyone who gives other people information inevitably posts. 

Quality VS. Quantity.

I swear, EVERYONE has posted about this and given their verdict. I'm just another discussion post in a sea of *ponders because she has no idea how many people have actually written this post* hundreds. In fact, this post should just be re-titled, "My Two Cents" because how many people are actually going to read about this common topic? 

There HAS to be a reason so many people post about this

It's because EVERYONE goes through the times when they have EVERYTHING in the universe raining down on them, making them figure out what's important

Let's face it.... I just started one of my most important grades and the hardest I have ever gone through. My mom recently passed away. My brain is going through a heck of a lot of extra processing. It was hard BEFORE to get everything done in the day. 

Now? 

There aint no way that gon' happen.

I have to admit.... I have felt a bit down and out at times when it comes to trying to balance school, homework, friends, blogging, reading, and (hopefully soon) vlogging. 

I swear.... this is how I feel at the start of every day

And THIS is how I feel at the end of every day

So I've come to terms with this simple fact.... I won't -no matter how much I try to be superwoman- get ALL of the things done. So instead, I have to accept how much I actually can get done with the hours of the day I have. Most of the time, this has meant that I have had to sacrifice blogging for other things like eating and doing homework. (By rule of thumb, these generally seem like things that have to be number one priorities) 

Yet now.... something magical happens when I do have time to sit down and compose a post filled with oodles of rambles and randomness. 

I have been so much happier, satisfied, and proud of the content I have been producing. I have been !!!excited!!!

Some may even say electrified

Passionate and Enthusiastic about what I'm writing. That Evangelical zeal for blogging that I had had in the beginning of it all has returned. 

I no longer feel obligated, like "UGH, I need to write a post for today."

I instead feel like, "WOW. I get the honor of composing my insane thoughts to share with people on the internet today!"

So there you have it.... my two cents on quality versus quantity in hilarious GIFS (If I do say so myself). What seemed like a curse -not being able to blog as frequently- turned into a blessing that brought me back to the reason I started in the first place. In no way is blogging my actual job (yet you don't know HOW much I wish it was), and I had been putting as much pressure on myself as if it were.  

I will see you soon (hopefully, though I make no promises) with another passion-filled post.

Disclaimer: I don't own, nor do I claim to own any image used in this post other than the signature.